Prospect 

'My Top Ten Fears'
Interview by Elena Lappin
March 2005

Delia Jarrett-Macauley, 46, is a writer, broadcaster and academic. Her first novel, Moses, Citizen & Me, is published by Granta in February.

(10) Big people. I'm five foot one and conscious of being small. I have a fear of tall people, which is most people when you're my height.

(9) Anything that goes bang. I am afraid of fireworks, thunder and lightning. I don't go outdoors, I hide in hallways, away from windows. I don't want to see the flashing lights.

(8) Letting people down at dinner parties. Before the guests arrive, I think "Oh God, there's not enough food!" There's always enough food. I can't stand not being good enough. Deep down, I'm actually afraid of not being good enough for myself.

(7) Being self indulgent. I grew up thinking one has to do things that are useful to others. This may be why I postponed writing fiction.

(6) The ineffectuality of individual action. During the anti-war march, I thought: what’s the value of our individual action in relation to these huge powers? When I was younger I believed that I could make big statements and that somebody would listen, but I fear now that our voices, even collective voices, are not enough. There is a sense of helplessness, as an individual, in terms of trying to bring about change.

(5) Jail. I have been to a prison once, while working for the National Theatre, to see a production in conjunction with Brixton jail. Everything about the place terrified me: the smell, seeing the prisoners on benches chained together. I would be terrified to have to spend even one day in prison. It is a real hell.

(4) The welfare of the next generation. We may not be giving them the tools for the future - materially, emotionally, intellectually. I fear that we’re not supporting them enough. It's a sense of my own generation being too critical, too quick to judge.

(3) The future of Africa. While writing my novel, I often found myself in tears about the children of Sierra Leone. They have been so affected by the war, whether as child soldiers or by being physically brutalised, losing their chances of education, their homes. The ten-year civil war devastated the landscape. This is a fear of not being able to recoup those huge losses, to rebuild in every sense of the word.

(2) Disrespect and disbelief. Once I turned up at a hotel and gave my name, Dr Jarrett-Macauley, The receptionist looked down and said, "He's not here yet." It is a fear of other people's disrespect, the kind that leaves you no room to manoeuvre. I can keep affirming, I can keep asserting and it's just brushed aside. As a black woman, I worry about people disregarding my authority.

(1) Getting old and not having money for the fuel bills. The idea of being too old to pay for gas and electricity frightens me. There is a tradition going back to post-war Britain, of black people forming partner groups to fund their housing because they were refused by building societies. I mentioned this fear to women in my partner group, and they all said, yes, I worry about that too.

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